Saw Martha Stewart Living on TV for the first time yesterday. It was deadly. The Apprentice- Martha Stewart on the other hand is pretty exciting. I definitely prefer her as a hard-nosed businesswoman than a fake ordinary next-door neighbour. On Living she was promoting a book called The Average American. “How many of you call yourselves average Americans?” asks Martha. “I’m an average American! Well, this book reveals that it’s harder to be average than you think!” I’m not usually speechless, but that’s enough to choke anybody to death. Then she made a Halloween decoration by sticking together two things you buy ready-made in craft stores. Then she made pumpkin ravioli. Yuck. Then I switched over and watched Oprah paying people to turn in escaped child molesters, which was all very fine and worthy until Leonardo di Caprio came on and started on about the environment.

The Martha Apprentice is quite good though. It’s a competition for a job with Martha, between a bunch of different Hairstyle women, some invisible men, and one absolutely objectionable and vile little man who is nasty to everyone, including the customers he’s trying to sell things to. The main plot is: how long will the Evil One stay in the show? On the one hand, he is excruciating to watch, but on the other hand when he goes the main plot will be over. The secondary plot is to try and figure out if there is any difference at all between the personalities of the Hairstyles, and if you can remember any of their names.

If I was Martha, I would have immediately thrown out everyone who looks awful, which could be all of them but might leave two or three behind. Anyone dressed for Wisteria Lane would not win a job in my business, because they clearly have no imagination and nothing original to offer. And that’s the truth. But Martha markets ordinariness, of course. And that’s what it means to be an Average American. Now I’m off to buy a twig wreath and some plastic eyeballs (not).